from a letter to Martin Kilmer, Nov. 23, 1958:
American university teachers have told me that most of their freshmen come from schools where the standard was far too low and therefore think themselves far better than they really are. This means that they lose heart (and their tempers too) when told, as they have to be told, their real level.
In the beginning there was darkness upon the face of the Earth, and there was no iced water. And Hilton said, Let there be iced water. And in every bathroom pipes ran with plenteous iced water, and Hilton saw that it was good.Then he said, Let there be music. And in every lobby, single study parlor, double French bedroom and luxury suite, yea, in every elevator, other pipes gushed with plenteous canned music. And Hilton saw that it was good.And he said, Let the earth bring forth Hiltons, yielding fruit after fruit after their kind. And so the El Paso Hilton begat the Beverly Hilton, which begat the Puerto Rico Hilton which begat the Istanbul Hilton which begat the Panama Hilton which begat the Nile Hilton which begat the Virgin Islands Hilton which begat the Trinidad Hilton which begat the Teheran Hilton which begat the Acapulco Hilton.And on the seventh day, Hilton rested.But only for an instant. For messengers came unto him and said, Behold, there is an Anglo-Saxon people that dwell in darkness and know not thy name, nor drink they thy iced water. And Hilton took his rod and smote upon the rock in the place which is called Park Lane and out of it came forth a pillar of 130,000 cubic feet of concrete. And the view from the top thereof was thirty miles in any direction, and from thirty miles in any direction thereof the view was, alas, of the pillar.Then sent Hilton for the scribes and elders of the people and commanded that they come to him. And they cast lots and sent unto him an elder named Maudling whom they could best spare to be sacrificed. And Hilton gave him a pair of silver scissors and bade him cut the tape, and Maudling would not. But the serpent Clore, who privily did own the freehold, tempted his handmaiden, Beryl, and she spake unto Maudling saying, Give me your scissors. And lo, as he stood wondering, as was his wont, what words to speak, she cut the tape and there was a great gushing of iced water and puking of piped music and a great charging of fifty guineas a night without breakfast.And Hilton said, Behold, I have given unto you the London Hilton containing everything meet for your needs: a view into the garden of your Queen, yea, and a library wherein you may read Hilton Milton, and 850 Hilton manservants and maidservants smiling Hilton smiles, which they smile not saying cheese, as other men, but saying Hilton Stilton.But the people were a stiff-necked people who would not drink of the iced water nor would they eat of the Olde English Breakfast, consisting of ripe melon, All-Bran, crisp waffles with ham or sausage, and hot chocolate. For they cried out, What is this Olde English Breakfast? We know it not. Neither will we pay 15/6 for it.And Hilton was exceeding wroth, and departed with a gnashing of his teeth to beget the Athens Hilton which begat the Moscow Hilton (which was called the Comrade Hilton) which begat the Berlin Hilton (which was called the Adolf Hilton) which begat the Pisa Hilton (which was called the Hilton Tiltin') which begat the Tel Aviv Hilton (which was called the Hilton Schmilton), which begat the Rabat Hilton and doubtless also the Sodom Hilton and the Gomorrah Hilton which were also turned into pillars of concrete.And it came to pass that the Hiltons covered the face of the Earth. And there was a great flood of iced water, and the darkness was greater than it was in the beginning.
When Orpheus smote his tuneful lyre
Among the Slocum Regis choir
Who, greatly daring, undertook
The celebrated work by Gluck
(Or, as some put it, tried their luck
At singing choruses by Gluck),
The name of his unhappy spouse
Diverse opinions did arouse.
For while sopranos, strong and screechy,
Loudly lamented Eurydice
And altos on the lower G
Bewailed the sad Eurydice,
The basses scorned distinction nice,
And sang the fate of Eurydice.
As given in the "Kipling Journal" (March 1968, vol. XXXV, no. 165). Introduced with the following: "...a memory of a verse which appeared in Punch many years ago and, if the Editor will permit, deserves repeating."
