Stan wrote this prescient sketch for his 1957 radio comedy show. It was performed on episode 6 and reprised on the last episode in a slightly different version. This transcript is an amalgam of the two versions.
Freberg: Well, it's great to be with you tonight. We have a—
Tweedly: Pardon me Mr. Freberg, but my name is Tweedly.
Freberg: Well, we all have our problems.
Tweedly: I'm the censor from the Citizens Radio Committee. And uh, I feel—
Freberg: You are from the Citizens Radio Committee, you say?
Tweedly: Exactly what I said, yes. I—
Freberg: And what is your purpose in being here?
Tweedly: I must OK all the material used on your program here. And I think the best method is to just sit back here and interrupt when I feel it's necessary.
Freberg: You mean you plan to stop me every time I do something YOU think is wrong?
Tweedly: Exactly. I'll just sound my little horn like this :HONK: and then you stop and I'll tell you what's wrong.
Freberg: Somehow I can tell this is going to be one of those days.
Tweedly: You just go right ahead, Mr. Freberg. Don't mind me.
Freberg: Yeah. Now I'd like to sing— :HONK:
Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank you", Mr. Freberg. Politeness is an essential in radio programming. Your program goes into the home, we must be a good influence on children.
Freberg: I see uh... that's a nice little horn you have there.
Tweedly: Mm-hm.
Freberg: Thanks very much, Mr. Tweedly.
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure.
Freberg: I'd like to sing a old river song in honor this week of National Mississippi River Boat Paddle Wheel Week. Mr. May, if you please.
Tweedly: Very polite, Mr. Freberg.
Freberg: Thank you.
:sings: Old Man River, that Old :HONK:
:speaks: All right Tweedly, politeness I dig, but what in the world is wrong with "Old Man River"?
Tweedly: The word "old" has a connotation some of the more elderly people find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution, please.
Freberg: I suppose you insist?
Tweedly: Precisely. You may continue.
Freberg: OK, music. :HONK:
Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank you".
Freberg: Yes, okay. Thank you, Mr. Tweedly.
Tweedly: You're quite welcome, I'm sure.
Freberg: :sings: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River,
he must know somethin' but he don't say nothin :HONK:
:speaks: All right, hold it, fellas. Now what, Tweedly?
Tweedly: The word "something". You left off the "g".
Freberg: But that's authentic, "somethin', somethin'," that's the way people talk down there.
Tweedly: I'm sorry, the home is a classroom Mr. Freberg.
Freberg: I know, you said that.
Tweedly: Keep in mind the tiny tots. And furthermore, think back. You'll recall that you said, "but he don't say nothin". That was in quotes. Now really Mr. Freberg, that's a double negative. Do you mean "he does say something"?
Freberg: No I just wasn't using my head I guess.
Tweedly: I mean, after all, it should be grammatically correct. Keeping in mind—
Freberg: The tiny tots, yes.
Tweedly: You probably mean "he doesn't say anything".
Freberg: I-I-I I suppose I mean that, yes, I guess. All right, fine, you win. All right, Billy, music. :HONK: Thank you! Thank you.
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure.
Freberg: :sings: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River,
he must know something but he doesn't say anything,
he just keeps rollin', rolling, he just keeps rolling along.
He don't :HONK: doesn't plant taters, potatoes, he doesn't plant cotton, cotting,
and them, these, those, that plants them are soon forgotting,
but Elderly Man River, he just keeps rolling along.
Tweedly: Excellent!
Freberg: :sings: You and me :HONK: :speaks: The tiny tots again was it?
Tweedly: Exactly.
Freberg: Sorry about that, here we go.
:sings: You and I, we sweat :HONK: perspire and strain,
bodies all achin' and racked with pain—
:speaks: Well, we got by that one.
:sings: Tote that barge! Lift that bale! You get a little—
:speaks: Take your finger off the button, Mr. Tweedly. We know when we're licked.
Well, that concludes "Elderly Man River." Now turning to the sports page here :HONK: Oh yes, and thank you for being with us, Mr. Tweedly.
Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure.
No comments:
Post a Comment